When someone tells you they have experienced abuse, your response matters.
They may have spent months or years deciding whether it was safe to speak. You do not need perfect words, but you must avoid blaming, doubting or taking control.
Here are ten harmful statements to avoid and what to say instead.
- “Why Didn’t You Leave?” Leaving may involve threats, financial dependence, children, isolation or nowhere safe to go.
Say instead: “You did not deserve this. How can I support you?”
- “Are You Sure That Happened?” Questioning a survivor can deepen shame and make them feel disbelieved.
Say instead: “I believe you. Thank you for trusting me.”
- “What Were You Wearing?” Nothing a survivor wore, said or did cause the abuse. Clothing, location or behaviour never causes abuse. Responsibility belongs entirely to the person who caused the harm.
Say instead: “This was not your fault.”
- “Why Didn’t You Fight Back?” People respond to danger differently. Freezing, becoming quiet or complying can be automatic survival responses—not consent.
Say instead: “You did what you needed to do to survive.”
- “Why Didn’t You Tell Someone Sooner?” Fear, shame, threats and concerns about being blamed can delay disclosure. There is no deadline for speaking about abuse.
Say instead: “Share only what you feel comfortable sharing. I’m listening.”
- “They Would Never Do Something Like That.” Someone may appear respected or trustworthy publicly while causing harm privately.
Say instead: “I’m sorry this happened. I will not dismiss what you’ve told me.”
- “You Need to Report It.” Reporting is a personal decision that may affect a survivor’s safety, privacy, family or livelihood.
Say instead: “Would you like information about your options?”
Safeguarding requirements may apply when a child or someone in immediate danger is involved.
- “Forgive and Move On.” Healing has no fixed timeline, and forgiveness should never be demanded.
Say instead: “You deserve to heal at your own pace.”
- “Everything Happens for a Reason.” This can minimise the harm or suggest the survivor was meant to experience it.
Say instead: “I’m sorry. You did not deserve what happened.”
- “Here’s What You Need to Do.” Taking control even with good intentions can repeat the survivor’s loss of choice.
Say instead: “What would feel most helpful to you right now?”
How to Support a Survivor Remember these five principles:
Listen without interrogating.
Believe without demanding proof.
Remind them it was not their fault.
Ask what support they want.
Respect their choices and privacy.
If you have already said something hurtful, acknowledge it and apologise:
“I realise my response may have felt blaming or dismissive. I’m sorry. You did not deserve what happened, and I want to support you better.”
Survivors are not problems to be solved. They deserve to be heard, believed and treated with dignity.
Instead of asking, “Why didn’t you?”, ask:
“What do you need from me?”
This article is part of the Survivor Support Series by Suitcases & Butterflies practical, trauma-informed guidance for survivors, families, friends and communities
This is beautiful
We as the public need to be continually educated about this abuse- survivor topic. 🙏